


Gadonkadonk

by obsolete_theory (ersatzbeta)



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Crack, Language, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-24 15:23:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3773662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ersatzbeta/pseuds/obsolete_theory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo's halfbreed nature causes him problems. Embarassing, were-transformation problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gadonkadonk

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I didn't put this on here before--I wrote this when I started Beast of Burden as a way of exorcising some of the ridiculous plot material I cooked up. It'
> 
> So yeah. Were-donkey Gojyo. XD Don't say you weren't warned!
> 
>  
> 
> .

Gojyo woke to the feeling of the sun trying to burn his eyeballs out of his skull. He rubbed his head and rolled over. Shit. What happened to him? His head hurt like a mother and the rest of him felt like a horde of angry youkai had been beating on him. How much had he had to drink last night, anyway?

His mouth tasted like ass. Gojyo chewed his tongue and spat over the side of the bed. His spit didn't go very far because, as he soon realized, he wasn't in a bed.

Gojyo was face to face with a butterfly perched on a flower. He looked around him, taking stock, and the flowers were joined by more flowers and a lot of grass, in the shape of a meadow. His spit had globbed onto a bunch of daisies.

Also, his spit was bright green. Gojyo watched as it dribbled off the ends of the petals. It left a vivid green smear behind.

 

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Gojyo struggled upright and tried to get his brain in working order.

The last thing he remembered from the night before as he drank himself into a stupor was how bright the moon had been.

Gojyo felt like kicking himself.

"Stupid," he said. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

A butterfly fluttered past his nose.

Gojyo looked around a little more. Huge swathes of grass were trampled, and lots of it had been bitten off down to the roots. Gojyo felt ill at the sight. He'd really done it this time, hadn't he? Worse was the thought that Sanzo or Goku or Hakkai was going to come looking for him, and he had no idea where he was versus the inn where Sanzo had parked all their asses for the night.

A breeze picked up, and Gojyo understood from the way his balls crawled upward, no need to look, that he was naked and had been that way for a while. He didn't even bother to search for his clothes. He knew from bitter experience that he'd never see them again. 

He mustered all his strength and stood up. Standing, he could see how his trail of mashed grass and low-level destruction snaked further than he could see, up a hill and then fuck-knew-where. 

Gojyo sighed and wished he had a cigarette and a beer. He didn't have either, and that was a goddamn tragedy. He'd have to hoof it back to town without even pretending he was still drunk from the night before. He was no stranger to the walk of shame, really he wasn't. Still, Gojyo was pretty sure he was going to die of the humiliation before he got back to town. Geez, like these farmers had never seen a naked guy wandering the fields before. Gojyo gritted his teeth and pretended the farmers didn't exist.

****

"Gojyo," said Hakkai. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?"

No. This conversation was not happening. Gojyo was going to spontaneously combust.

"Who scrubs the grass stains out of your clothing?" said Hakkai. "I know you aren't just out on a walk. Honestly, I don't know how you manage to attract women the way you do. Who was it this time? The barmaid? Perhaps the charming vegetable seller?"

Hakkai paused.

"The muleteer?" said Hakkai. "Not your usual type, but then last night seemed a bit out of the ordinary. You're out before the sun is down, and you've only returned now, when you know how Sanzo likes to get an early start."

Gojyo ignored how worried Hakkai sounded. Instead, he exploded. So Hakkai knew everything, did he? Well fuck that shit.

"So I turn into a donkey on the full moon," said Gojyo. "You'd be fucking embarrassed if it were you, you know? I mean halfbreed, yeah, but who the fuck else do you know who's a were-donkey, huh?"

Hakkai blinked at him. His mouth opened, and Gojyo could see all the way to the back before it closed. Hakkai blinked again, and then Gojyo knew that Hakkai hadn't really known.

Gojyo was certain that this moment, this one right here, the one where he accidentally spilled his worst, lamest, crazy-sounding secret to his best friend and sometimes horizontal tango partner, this moment was the real one that was going to give him a stroke and make him die of embarrassment. Utter, mortal embarrassment.

"Are you sure--" said Hakkai. "I….how much did you have to drink last night?"

Gojyo laid himself on the floor and started smacking his forehead on the cool, smooth wood. Maybe he could kill himself with honor this way.

And then, out of nowhere, Gojyo felt the gorge in his throat rise.

Gojyo puked the biggest, nastiest, greenest sludge he'd ever puked in his life. He felt a trickle of it exit his nose.

Hakkai jerked backward as the green liquid flowed toward his feet.

That's what Gojyo got for mowing half a field with his teeth. Shit he needed a shower and a toothbrush. He hoped Hakkai would take pity on him and hold off on any more questions until after that.

Gojyo slithered backward on his still-twinging stomach. Just six more feet and he'd be at the door.

"Is that grass?" said Hakkai. "Did you--vomit--grass?"

The tone of his voice was incredulous. 

"Yup," said Gojyo. "Any more questions, or can I floss the alfalfa out of my teeth now?"

Gojyo considered it a victory that Hakkai shut up then.

 

****

Jeep growled at Gojyo and, in a whiplash-inducing manner, screeched forward ten feet.

"What on earth?" said Hakkai.

The engine revved again when Gojyo approached for the second time.

"Did you, perhaps, do something last night to upset him?" said Hakkai.

Sanzo gave Gojyo a beady-eyed stare. It was like Sanzo had x-ray vision. At last, Sanzo turned his face.

"If you fucked with our transportation, I will kill you," said Sanzo. "Hakkai, put the brakes on."

Jeep squealed in protest, and Gojyo could see how hard Hakkai pulled on the parking brake. Hakuryuu revved again and spun the tires, pelting Gojyo with gravel. Gojyo flung an arm across his face.

"Hakuryuu!" said Hakkai.

"Shit, stop that you little lizard!" he said. "Just let me get in so we can get the fuck out of this town!"

The way Jeep was acting gave Gojyo the worst sort of sinking in his stomach.

Gojyo had a sudden, horrifying vision of himself, as a donkey, approaching Hakuryuu with carnal intentions. Oh fuck, please no. Please, please let that just be his imagination. Gojyo wasn't really picky when he was on four feet, but, come on. Jeep? Jeep didn't even look anything like a lady donkey.

****

After a half an hour of coaxing and begging, Hakuryuu let Gojyo on.

"What'd you do to him?" said Goku. "Seriously."

Goku seemed equally impressed and suspicious.

"I didn't do a damn thing," said Gojyo. "Gimme a beer, squirt."

He needed a beer. He needed to be drunk. Super drunk, he amended, when he caught himself checking out the lady donkeys they passed, on leads and in what passed for cultivated fields around here.

Gojyo was convinced that Hakuryuu deliberately hit every rock, rut, pothole, and washout that he could as revenge for whatever it was Gojyo couldn't remember doing. (Please, fuck, don't let him have put the moves on a jeep.) And, to make it even better, Hakuryuu had fucked with his springs and one was now drilling squarely into Gojyo's left nut. When Gojyo shifted in his seat, the spring moved with him.

"Just let me die," said Gojyo. "I don’t care anymore."

"You'll die when I say you can," said Sanzo. "Now quit pissing and moaning."

 

=====


End file.
